Vicarious Romance
Scrubber
Trilby: I'm working tomorrow.
YAAGers: Oh, baby. How crap that you have to work on a bank holiday.
Trilby: What are your plans?
YAAGers: I'm going to clean your kitchen.
Trilby: Oh. That's, um... nice.
So my to-do list for Good Friday is as follows:
- Defrost freezer. Mop up resultant lake of meltwater. Dispose of frozen corpse of Captain Oates.
- Clean fridge. Lay waste to colony of intelligent bacteria that have set up a small, enlightened society in the egg tray.
- Clean behind fridge (*shudder*). Fight off any crumb-based life forms with a mop.
- Clean floor until there are no more mysterious sticky patches.
- Damp dust cornices and skirting boards. Remove cobwebs before Shelob returns to her lair.
- Clean oven. Weep.
- Clean extractor fan (with vinegar).
- Wash windows (with vinegar).
- Clean sink, taps and splashbacks (with vinegar).
- Try to rid self of the smell of vinegar. Fail. Go to chip shop to satisfy inexplicable craving for a fish supper.
Never let it be said that I don't know how to have fun.
|
|
|
Feathering
As the minutes count down to Moving In With Trilby Day, I find myself going a bit loopy. It's his own fault, really - one should never underestimate the nesting instinct of the woman knocking on the big door marked 30.
The thing is, Trilby has lived in his house for about 6 years, since he was a drama student. And he's never really put his stamp on it. The walls are all magnolia (except for the small bathroom, which I repainted in white and aqua last year). Most of the walls are also scuffed and marked and dirty. There are hardly any pictures on the walls. Nothing matches.
Basically, it's a boy's house.
I, however, am a girl. And when I look at Trilby's abode, I don't see a house. I see a big, blank canvas. I see a project. I'm trying not to come over too Linda Barker, but sometimes I can't help myself.
My current obsession is the kitchen. It's the same shade of magnolia as the rest of the house (Christ, I hate magnolia. It's such a non-colour, it makes me angry). I'm currently dreaming about painting it a crisp ice blue, then maybe picking out selected tiles with indigo paint. And perhaps even investing in one of these little beauties, just to add that certain something:
Trilby's going to dump me for being a mentalist, isn't he?
|
|
|
Friends
Trilby and I are about to enter a new phase in our relationship. We are going on a mini-break to Dusseldorf. And as everybody who has ever read a glossy magazine will know, mini-breaks = proper, adult relationship.
Joking aside, I am actually quite appallingly excited. I went to Germany with a show a few years back, and wasn't really expecting much. But I had an absolutely wicked time - in Dusseldorf especially. It is, after all, the home of the ambrosia that is Altbier - I love the fact that the website calls it "a good sessional beer" - which we will be supping from one of the many, many, many drinking establishments on the Altstadt, more commonly known as the Longest Bar in Europe. Rock on. And when our "session" is at an end we'll wobble out into the snow (did I mention that it is going to be snowing?), and head back to our hotel. Which looks just lovely. It's called the Hotel Friends. It ain't no ordinary hotel. Heck no. Hotel Friends has a philosophy (rather amusingly translated by Google):
Friends only a "philosophy" has: "friends win and keep"
But we do everything that stands in our power - as usual with friends!
Friends treats its guests evenly like friends. (Not roughly like enemies, like Holiday Inn does...)
They forgot the loading station for your Handy?
They must at night iron and have at 01.30 o'clock still another shirt afterwards hunger? (Ironing always makes me hungry. Which is why I rarely bother)
They want einen wirklichen type for the evening? (I'm guessing "einen wirklichen type" means prostitute. Or maybe some species of moss...)
They look for a partner to games of chess in the Lounge?
They want to borrow a bicycle?
All no problem...... with friends!
Of A such as alibi to Z such as zoo attendance - we are for you da! Promised!
It's so nice to know that if I commit a murder while I'm in Dusseldorf, the good people at Hotel Friends will provide me with an alibi. I think I might be in love with Hotel Friends. I spoke to the receptionist earlier today to explain that we would be arriving quite late, and she told me I had an excellent German accent. I love it when my friends flatter me.
|
|
|
Portrait of a relationship
Night. YAAGers and Trilby are lying in bed.
Scritch, scritch, scritch.
YAAGers: Got an itchy back, darling?
Trilby: Yeah. Can you look and see if there's something there.
I flicked the light on and looked. I saw what appeared to be a blackhead, just above the small of Trilby's back, of above-average size and slightly inflamed from the scratching. So I did what any girlfriend worth her salt would do. I squeezed it, hard.
(Sensitive readers may wish to look away now).
Slowly, a huge plug of hardened sebum poked out of my beloved's back. It was about 1cm long and resembled a skinny maggot. It was the most wonderfully gross thing I have seen in a good while.
YAAGers: Oh. My. God. I've hit the motherlode. You've got to see this. Oh dear Christ, there's more.
More prodding produced about another half a centimetre of gunk.
Trilby: Give it to me.
He placed all the crud end-to-end and held it in his palm, and we both looked at it in childlike wonder.
YAAGers: That was so brilliant. I can't believe that was in your back. That's fantastic. I hope the pore refills so I can do that again.
And people say that romance is dead.
|
|
|
Ridiculous Arguments We Have Had #2
Trilby claims that he could have a chimpanzee in a fight. YAAGers disagrees.
YAAGers: (scoffing) How many chimpanzees do you think you could take on, then? Two?
Trilby: Oh, certainly no more than two.
YAAGers: You couldn't take on two chimps. You're a big man, but you're out of shape.
Trilby: I could. It's all about establishing dominance. Once you establish dominance, your average chimp will just crumble.
YAAGers: So how are you going to establish dominance, then?
Trilby: I'd pick the largest one, then punch him on the nose.
YAAGers: But what if he came back at you with his little monkey fists?
Trilby: Am I allowed to wear shoes?
YAAGers: Yes.
Trilby: Then I'd kick him.
YAAGers: The chimp might just grab your foot and pull you to the floor, though. Then you've got an angry chimp on your chest. What are you going to do then?
Trilby: (calmly) I'd bite him on the face.
YAAGers laughs, hard, for at least five minutes.
|
|
|
Ridiculous Arguments We Have Had #1
YAAGers and Trilby discuss the forthcoming jaunt on horseback. YAAGers expresses concern that the owners of the stable will be hard pressed to find a helmet large enough to fit his head.
Trilby: I was hoping to just wear my trusty hat.
YAAGers: Just like Indiana Jones.
Trilby: That was my thinking, yes.
YAAGers: Do you know, in "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade", Harrison Ford had to staple his hat to his head to stop it flying off when he galloped.
Trilby: He did not staple his hat to his head.
YAAGers: He did. I saw it in a documentary.
Trilby: This is Harrison Ford. They're not going to let him staple anything to his head.
YAAGers: I know what I saw.
Trilby: That's what people who claim to have been abducted by aliens say when nobody believes them.
YAAGers: Look, Harrison Ford stapled his fedora to his head. With a stapler.
Trilby: Maybe he stapled it to his hair.
YAAGers: He didn't staple it to his hair, that wouldn't work. He stapled it to his head.
Trilby: No, he didn't.
YAAGers: He did. He might just have been using really small staples...
Trilby: You're always so certain about everything. You're just like Tony Blair.
T-T-T-Tony.... B-B-B-Blair....?
|
|
|
YAAGers (bouncing on the bed): Ooh, ooh, it's Red Nose Day! Let's all do something wacky!
Trilby (still in the bed): Stop it.
YAAGers: Or zany! (bounce, bounce) We could be wacky and zany!
Trilby: I'm warning you.
YAAGers: Kooky? We can be kooky, right? (bounce, bounce, bounce) Or crazy? Spelt with a "k"!
Trilby: Right, that's it, you're getting a spanking.
|
|
|
[first page] [previous page]
[next page]
